Patricia Flores

• Transcript

  Speaker 1 [00:00:00] Okay, I'm recording. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yes. [00:00:57]So I'm Patricia marie Flores. I reside in North Vancouver, British Columbia, but I was born in Las Pinas, Manila in the Philippines. I'm currently 22 now, but I moved to Canada when I was 14. [21.9s] Well, [00:01:37]my mom actually moved to Canada when I was seven. So in 2018 or sorry, 20. 2008, she moved to Canada because she got a job there, and so she stayed there for a good seven years before she decided to pick us up and take us with her. So my dad, he was a marine engineer. What happened was actually my mom moved in 2008 and then in I think 2011, she tried to immigrate me, my brother and my dad. But it like we made it to Canada. They flew out to Canada. But during the immigration process, they found out that my dad actually had another family. Who he didn't, uh, what do you call it? He didn't declare them. Like he didn't mention them at all. And that wasn't like the immigration office doesn't allow that. So we were practically sent back. Like me, my brother and my dad were sent back, and my mom had to stay. And then in 2015, my mom tried again without my dad, like, just to take me and my brother. And it worked out. [125.6s] He didn't declare his other family like his other children. And I suppose with immigration, it's like you have to state whether you have other other kin, other children, because I guess to them it's like kind of weird for you to just immigrate two of your kids and not all of your kids. So yeah. [00:04:49]Personally, I only found out like. During ah, during, I think a month or two before we were going to. Fly out in 2015. So so basically, my family, my whole family knew about the the infidelity, the cheating when it happened, but they tried to keep it away from me and my brother. And then my brother found out way around when he was ten, like my dad told him, I think. But for myself, it was only when we successfully moved to Canada that I found out it was like. I think I questioned like why did. Why did. Why did our immigration work this time and not the last time that we tried. And that's when it was like revealed to me, like why it didn't work out. And that's when I found out about the my half siblings, practically. [86.2s] And [00:06:37]I think I felt I wasn't really mad. Like, I think I was more upset about the fact that everyone else knew except me. [10.3s] Like, instead of being upset at my dad for cheating or whatever, [00:06:53]I think it was more so the secrecy of it that made me upset. [6.3s] Like, why didn't the family trust me enough to to know about it? Like, I didn't want to be left out kind of thing. But I did meet the half siblings just before we were about to leave. When I found out, that's when, you know, my dad was like, okay, I guess, you know, the secret's out. Might as well you meet them. And, um, yeah, that it was fine by me because I actually really like my half siblings. They're really cool. And, um, I try to keep contact with them till now. But, you know, everyone. Everyone gets busy with life kind of deal. Mm. Um, I actually, I'm, uh. I heard about this whole interview thing from one of my professors in the film industry, and because I went to Capilano University for film and I'm set decorator, like, in the art department, basically. Um, and yeah, so I'm doing, um, film gigs currently, but I'm also trying to jump start a stationery business, like making stickers and mopeds and such. Like some of them catered to the film industry and some of them catered to just, you know, just, uh, office supplies kinda. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Thank you. It's pretty funny, my trajectory to where I'm at now with my career, because when I was a kid, I really wanted to be Indiana Jones. For some reason, whatever that meant, and it was like I wanted to explore and like discover things and show it off to people. But I figured that wasn't exactly a tangible profession to to do. It's hard to be an adventurer nowadays. So I was like, Oh. Indiana Jones was also a professor, so I wanted to get into teaching and like work my way up to become a professor. But then I realized I hate teaching. Like, I don't like children. I don't like it's it. I struggle with, like, teaching someone something. I'd rather do it myself kind of stuff. So I figured teaching is not the profession for me. But then in high school, I did some theater work. I did some drama fests, drama programs. And I really enjoyed it. And it like with my whole thing of wanting to discover and to create and to show it off. I felt that, you know, art and like performative art was a good way to express that. It was a good way to show off what, you know, what I what I like and what I what kind of ideas I have. So I got into that. But I'm not an actor. I'm not really one to be on stage. So instead I create the whole environment around that. That's where the whole set that yeah, set decorating came in and also making props. So yeah. Definitely. [00:13:05]I feel like and this is something I talk a lot about with family and friends is how it feels like the Philippines is. There's such a divide in in classes [21.1s] like with lower class and middle class and the higher class because [00:13:35]I was born in a more middle class family [5.1s] like my mom, my brother and my grandparents were more middle class, [00:13:46]but my mom couldn't take care of me and my brother at the same time because she was busy being a single mom because my dad was off on like being a marine engineer. He's on ships a lot and stuff. So while my mom struggled to take care of both of us, my grand aunt decided to take me under their wing, just me and not my brother. So it's like kind of split us apart [32.8s] so that my grandparents can take care of my brother, like my grandparents and my mom can take care of my brother and then my grandma can take care of me [00:14:30]and my gran aunt is more higher class. So she put me in a private school in San Beda Alabang and she and that school was a very. It was an English speaking campus. That's how they claimed themselves to be. So it's like ever since you're young, you're kind of taught English. You're taught. Yeah, you're basically taught more Western kind of culture. [42.2s] While I notice more public schools and like for the lower class and and some middle class. It's they don't have that kind of level of education yet. [00:15:30]So there's definitely this divide where the higher class you are, the more kind of globalized they make you out to be. Like the professions that you go into is like they're preparing you to push you out of the Philippines, kind of is the way I view it. [25.0s] It's like when you graduate, you're not really because [00:16:03]I found myself personally, like feeling a bit alienated, like I didn't know Filipino that well, Like I wasn't taught Filipino that well in my private school. And because they were so heavy on the whole speak English, only like they got upset at you for speaking the dialog. And it's like, it's just so strange that they're trying to westernize you so much and comparing that to other schools. It's like when you're lower class, it's kind of like you don't have a lot of options and you're like kind of forced to stay in the Philippines while when you're higher class. It's kind of like they push you to become OFW. They become like they prepare you to be outside the Philippines. [54.9s] Kind, kinda. Mm hmm. Yeah. Mhm. I wouldn't, I wouldn't like directly compare it to um. Like residential schools are definitely awful and it kind of feels. Like there is that sort of assimilation that they're trying to do in these private schools. It feels like they're trying to really they're not. They're not nurturing the Filipino culture in it. It's like they're really trying to turn you into something else. I feel like I wouldn't really get far with with the whole, like, film industry here in the Philippines. Like, I feel like it. I think it's getting better now where there's more and more productions being made. But at the time when I was younger, it felt like it was just a dream for me and not something that I could really achieve. Like, um, like going into the arts. I mean, like, I talked to some of my friends still here in the Philippines that I was friends with in high school, and a lot of them like diverted from the careers that they wanted to go into from during high school because it's just not a like it's not a job that you can really have here in the Philippines. Um, and there are still some who are pursuing that in university, like some of them I know some are going into psychology, some are doing multimedia arts, but I know and they also tell me that they don't think that. The job that they want is available here in the Philippines, like the demand for it is not there. They feel like they're worried that they will just have to settle with a job that they don't really want to do but will pay the bills. I definitely think so, because my mom. [00:21:45]For my mom, it was like she accepted a job in Canada because she felt like she was hitting a roadblock here in the Philippines. Felt like she she became a manager of. A restaurant, but she wanted to get into baking. She wanted to have her own business like that. But, you know, it's not really you're not really able to start up a business that comfortably in the Philippines like that. You still need to kind of work to pay the bills and stuff. So when she was offered the work in Canada, she felt like there's more opportunity for her there. So she went. And when she saw the kinds of opportunity available in Canada, she wanted that for our family as well. [69.7s] Um, I think one of the big ones not really about career, but um, about health care. Um, she saw I was struggling with my mental health towards the last few years of her staying in the Philippines and we tried some like therapy and some medications here in the Philippines. But during that time, during like early 2010, that like that time, I don't think the Philippines was that great with mental health services yet. So she saw that Canada was a bit more advanced with that. So she really pushed for us to move there. Um, [00:24:32]for the first few years when we moved there, I felt like I was staying with the stranger because, you know, I was raised away from her. [10.8s] Like, she was taking care of my brother and staying with my grandparents while I was staying with my grandparents. So it felt like I didn't really know the person, like it felt like I was staying with with a roommate. It the way I described it before was when I was born. It felt like I was taken away from the family that I am supposed to be with, like my brother and my mom. Like I was taken away from that to live in a different family. And then I lived with this new family and they became my like, my main my main support system. And then my mom took me away from that family to live with her. And it was such a confusing time because, you know, for me, I believe family is isn't really about blood, but about like, who takes care of you, who cares for you? So when I was taken away again, it kind of felt kind of weird because it's like, Oh, I'm supposed to feel good now that I'm with my actual family. But it didn't feel that way because I didn't have that connection with them. And the first few years, it felt really strange. [00:26:22]And like she was attentive of my mental health, but she also didn't really know how to deal with it. It's like she. She easily got frustrated by it because, you know, she's been through a lot. She's been through my dad's infidelity. She's been through having to move different countries. She's been through so many more things that at the time when I was struggling, she viewed my struggles as something smaller, minuscule or something. You can get through that. She didn't understand why it felt like the end of the world for me. So there was that that kind of distance and that kind of tension when it came to me and my struggles. But it got better over time, like it took it definitely took a while for us to really connect. But now I have definitely an appreciation for her, and she has an understanding now of like my own feelings and my psyche and all of that. So we get to connect as mother and daughter now. [83.3s] Mm hmm. Um, I did talk to her about it. And to this day, we still kind of do talk about it. The first few years when it was kind of like feeling like we're strangers to each other. When I do ask those kind of questions, it's kind of like, um, something that we. That she can't really open up about or that she doesn't want to. I think it's still that that ego that she had or this facade that she wanted to keep up of being like this strong mother figure who can, you know, handle anything that's thrown at her and show that she's not she's not affected by those kind of things. But over time. And after showing. Like with myself that it's okay to be vulnerable, Like I allow myself to be vulnerable around her. She started to open up about how she personally felt regarding those events. Because whenever I talk to them, I'm open to them about what I talk about in therapy, what I learned and like my thought processes. So whenever we do talk about it, she starts to open up about how she feels. So, for example, [00:30:33]with my whole dad situation, like she's definitely hurt because. Over time, she still held on to this hope that my dad would continue to support us. [19.0s] But it just showed that he was really the he had this like kind of pride that prevented him from taking care of our family. So she, you know, opened up that she panicked a lot during that time. And, you know, being a single mother is not exactly something people wish to be or really prepare themselves for. But she just had to do it. And she felt she felt alone a little bit because there's like judgment from the family and there was judgment from friends and, you know, the typical Filipino. Uh hmm. Like toxic mentalities that we still have from traditional ways of thinking. It was a lot of pressure for her. But over time, you know, talking about it, she she had some healing from it, from hearing it from me and my brother about how much we how much we appreciate her for the kind of struggle that she went through and just hearing our side of it as well. She came to, you know, to forgive herself and all that. Mm hmm. Um, it's kind of funny because the after he moved to Canada, he still tried to stay in contact with us and. We allowed him to stay in contact with us, although we were asking for him to support us financially in some way. We weren't. We weren't asking for the amount, like the proper amount of child support from him. We were just asking for $500 for rent. Like that was that was the baseline. [00:33:44]We didn't we didn't push our luck with asking for however much child support was supposed to be for me and my brother. And he was playing that for a bit until he stopped and was like in his mind he was saying, Oh, you guys left me to go to Canada. I'm sure you guys can take care of yourself kind of kind of mentality. So he stopped paying. And, you know, that obviously upset my mom and definitely upset my brother because my brother looked up to my dad a lot. As for myself, I remember there was a time when when I was still talking to him and then I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and it was a big it was a big amount of money. And that was a time when I reached out to my dad and I was like, Hey, do you think you could pitch in? And he just replied with, I'm sure you can get a job to pay it off. And that was a time when I was really kind of upset that my dad expects us to respect him and continue to treat him like our dad. When he isn't fulfilling the responsibilities of father he should be doing. So I cut him off after that point. It was it's actually only this month that I started talking to him again because he was really you know, he he's trying to reconnect and he's trying to make amends for what he did practically like five years ago at this point. And, you know, my mom doesn't forgive him, nor does my brother. But to me, I feel and for my own mental health, I feel like it's best for me to forgive a lot of people who mistreated me. Like, it just makes me feel better. [146.2s] Although I don't really plan to keep my dad to like, I don't think I will be giving him too much contact. Like, I won't be disclosing. Like, we won't be that close. But just like repairing some like having some connection would be is okay for me. Um, [00:37:51]I would say that like, especially moving to Vancouver, like, I don't know how it would be in any other part of Canada, but being in Vancouver was an easy transition for me and a bit too easy, I think, because of the whole my whole theory of private schools kind of like preparing you for that. But it was an easy transition because I already knew English so fluently, like without having an accent, kind of kind of fluent that, you know, it was easy for me to make friends in school. It was easy for me to talk to other people in Vancouver. And it was a drastic change from the Philippines because here in the Philippines I wasn't able to talk to people that much because I had such broken Tagalog and such broken communication with them and like not understanding some words and stuff. So moving to Canada felt a bit more freeing, a bit more optimistic on like being independent. [82.1s] I was able to commute freely in Canada versus the Philippines. The Philippines. I was always driven around because I didn't know how to commute using tricycles or jeepneys not knowing how to pay the proper amount for those because I couldn't understand like how much I needed to pay. [00:39:39]But yeah, so coming to Canada, it was definitely like I definitely felt more independent, although I feel that that is the whole deal with Western society is that they kind of push you to be independent really quickly. I think that's one of the culture shocks that I had, was how self-reliant everyone is versus the Philippines, who we kind of nurture community a lot. Like we put such importance on community and being with your family and like supporting one another. [48.9s] Hmm. Yeah. Mm. I am. Yeah. Um, I haven't been back for five. Yeah, five years or six years, rather. Um, the last time we visited was for my uncle's wedding, which was two years after we first moved. So we don't really travel back home often because of how expensive the tickets are. Um, but when we are here, we try to spend as much time as we can with family, and we sometimes go to the beach, which is one of the things I do miss about the Philippines a lot versus like Canada is the beaches because we actually have proper sand verses Canada that mostly has rocks and just. Yeah, and we definitely miss the food a lot. Like the snacks, something me and my brother were just talking about the other day was how cheap everything feels. But like the only reason we feel that it's cheap is because we keep comparing it to Canadian prices. We keep comparing like we keep converting the amount of money that we spend into Canadian. Um, but I bet it isn't really that cheap here because earning money here in the Philippines must be more difficult. Like the only reason we're able to buy so much is because we're bringing Canadian money back here. Um, but, um, a sad reality, but I think we're kind of learning to accept right now is that this might be our last visit for like a long time, or it will be our last visit to see our grandparents, because during, um, during the pandemic, we lost two of our grandparents and we weren't able to come back home for a funeral or anything. So now that we're back, we're trying to spend as much time as we can with the elderly and just preparing ourselves for like a possible goodbye in case, you know, in case anything does happen in the next few years, because we don't think we'll be coming back until maybe five years again. Um, but yeah, so right now, being here, um, we're setting up plans to spend time with family, maybe see some friends like old high school friends and, um. Definitely buying a lot of bong and, like, just treats to bring back home for us. Mm hmm. Um. In terms of like with my grandparents and stuff, it, it sucked the. Because what happened was we lost my grand aunt, and then we lost my grandfather. So both my grandmother and my grand uncle are widows. And when the pandemic happened, they were just kind of alone in the house kind of deal. Um, so it was so it was a time when me and my brother really had to reach out often to our grandparents to, you know, keep them some company while they, while everything is locked down and stuff it. The pandemic did prevent us from coming home any sooner than now because the Philippines was really struggling with COVID and their cases. And, um. Like health care is not as advanced as Canada is. So it was definitely a difficult time for them and a difficult time for us to plan anything. Although I guess the one nice thing about COVID was because everything was kind of slowing down and it gave people more time to connect with those that they love, even if it's not physically like just reaching out to them and stuff was enough. Mm hmm. In the Philippines. It's always. You good. Birthdays in the Philippines are always like grand like grand gestures. And compared to Canada, since it's only me and my mom and my brother, it's just always like smaller ones. But it's always fun when like there's big community, like Filipino community festivals happening. But it's definitely different than than here back home. Because back home it's like a bigger celebration. Like everyone's here, everyone's uncle is here. Like people you don't even know are here. Like, just neighbors are all partying with you and having a good time. And always the food is great. But in Canada, it's more it's more smaller scale. There are still some times where Filipino families will bring that that kind of environment around where it's like, Oh, you're just passing by, but we're having a celebration, so you might as well join us. Yeah, I do kind of miss that whenever I'm in Canada. [00:50:22]I think because of how I was raised, Um, I'm more comfortable being in a Canadian environment because it's like multicultural and diverse. And, um, I got to be away from some of those toxic, traditional mentality that Filipinos still have because like coming back here to the Philippines, I notice I have to adjust and there are some times where it feels like. Can't exactly be myself, cause I know there's, like, there's this weird thing where Filipinos are, like, lowkey, judgmental, like, and I notice it in myself too, which I need to improve on. But like, sometimes being away from that kind of environment is, is pretty nice. Um, I think immigrants, especially first generation immigrants, are doing a pretty good job of keeping some level of Filipino culture alive in the countries that they go into. Um, so it doesn't really feel like you're missing home too much. [75.4s] I think like being away from your family is definitely the most difficult one for myself because of my circumstances. It is a bit easier for me to be away from family because it's just being used to like having to leave family in the first place. So being independent is a plus, but I think. Yeah. So like being away from family is one of the one of the worst ones. And just being away from friends and, like, losing that connection that you have because it's just, it's just different. Talking to someone online versus like talking to someone in person. Um, but I guess one of the best things about moving is the bigger opportunities that you have for me, the, um, allowing me to be more independent, um, and. You know, it allowed me to be closer with my my family as well, in a way. [00:53:46]I think it goes back to my whole like my whole theory about what the government is trying to do with OFW is and stuff. They feel like they're sending very highly skilled people outside of the country because they know that the Filipino economy kind of sucks. So instead of improving the economy from the inside, they would rather send people out of the country to bring back home. You know, bigger currency and the exchange of that will bring more passives in. So it. It kind of sucks. I wish that the government would allow more opportunities for people back home versus having to send them away, because I do see a lot that families are getting torn apart by that. Or yeah, it just became such a staple in Filipino tradition or Filipino culture to just like have one family member like not be there, like have be in a different country. [80.4s] I think, um. I think it's just the sad, like. Truce that they have to accept this, that you know, that you've got to move away kind of thing, because it's like I wouldn't say there's much regrets because gives so much more benefits. But it just does suck to be away from your family that you've known for a long time. Um, this might be like, a bit unrelated, but I, um. I visited Lithuania to visit my partner, um, just recently, I think four months ago. And it. And that kind of felt like immigrating in itself because I stayed there for like three months long. And it was like a small mini mini me being away from my family, moving to a new country and. Like being independent on my own without my family there being a whole new culture, a whole new environment. And it felt really different. It felt kind of like how my mom would have felt. Then moving to Canada, not knowing anybody and. And I guess like when I did come back home to Canada with my family, like there is that bit of homesickness and I won't really count that as like a regret or anything, but it's like it's difficult to be away from home. And I guess the biggest regret that you can have being an immigrant is losing and losing that home that you've known for a long time because things will continue to change all the time. And for example, when we came back here, it's like we're coming back to a physical home, but it doesn't have every thing that made it a home before, like not having your grandparents or the environment changing. Like even just businesses and buildings changing around us. It like it feels different. And sometimes it's that feeling of like feeling left out of, of all that change. Okay. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. [01:01:26]I guess all all I can really say is just for, you know, the next generation of Filipinos out there to, you know, to not be afraid to open up about their mental health, because that is still a big taboo with Filipinos, just like asking for help or opening up about struggling. Like, it's easy to, you know, compare yourself to other people and be like, Oh, they're struggling more than me or I'm struggling more than them. So their struggles are valid or something like that. Like, I think we need to abolish that kind of mentality and just accept that everyone is all trying to survive in some way and that we should just be helping each other out. Like I think that's the biggest. Like positive trade Filipinos have is that we're so hospitable and so, like willing to help people when they need it, that we need to apply that kind of mentality for mental health. [69.0s] Um, I don't. I don't think so. I think I'm good.